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Stage 0: Scary or near miss?

So.. last week I was diagnosed with  Carcinoma in Situ of the Cervix, Stage 0 cancer. Breaking it down, at first it sounds scary, that word. Cancer. But then you come back to Stage 0, zero shouldn't even be considered a stage, it's a near miss if you ask me. But... then comes that word again. Cancer. Cancer is a scary word, no matter what comes after it. But the good news is, in situ means 'in place' so the cancer cannot spread to other areas of the body. Plus, it's only in one localized area and can be easily removed through surgery. After talking with my doctor, we have decided to use cryosurgery which will guarantee the least amount of removal. I got lucky by finding it soon enough to where it didn't take over my entire cervix. He said in probably a year's time, it could have taken over my whole cervix and I could have to get my cervix removed.

The only way to catch something like this is to make sure you keep up on your yearly check-ups ladies! Please please please! Because there really are no symptoms until it's too late, you need to make sure to check up on your body. I got too busy with life and didn't catch mine while they were precancerous, don't make the same mistake. This is very common is women, especially if you contract HPV sometime in your life. I was lucky enough to be HPV negative, but that also means something else started the cancer. It could be from me being unhealthy, being a young smoker  (I quit last summer) or even being with multiple sexual partners. But the moral of the story is... anyone can get cancer.

With this news a month directly after our infertility problems, I broke down. I was feeling empty and oddly disgusting. I hated myself for one good hour. I cried unconditionally and I pitied myself. I consider myself a strong woman, but I can't have it together 100% of the time. I just wanted to hide under a rock and not come out until I was ready. But then I remembered. I have a daughter to be strong for, a husband to show love to and tons of family and friends to comfort me. I feel like it's been a rocky year, full of more tears than laughs. But I have to stay strong. Today can be whatever I make of it. And I am determined to make myself happy, even if at times I feel I'm physically and mentally falling apart. I am the light.

Turning a negative into a positive

It's been a while. But I'm not sorry. I've been dealing with some things. My husband and I have been back and forth to doctors trying to figure out if kids are going to be in our future. Sometimes things don't work out like you want them to. But I'm going to be positive about this. When we were told that having some little ones would be more of a financial risk than we could handle due to surgical costs and IVF, we decided that maybe we should take this as a sign and try a new route.

We are in the early process of coming to terms with not adding anymore children to our family. We will be focusing on our daughter for the next 4 years until she is out of the house and then we will be planning our life together. The thought of not having children isn't as daunting as I first thought. We can do anything now! Trips, travel and more time to ourselves. We've both been raising kids since we were 18. My husband's been raising kids his whole life basically.

And I've come to realize that not having any children of my own is okay with me. I chose to be with my husband. So it does make me feel a little more like 'I' made the decision. Nature played a big part, but ultimately, we have decided not to go ahead and try any longer. It's not giving up though! We have just decided to spend our lives together.

 I'm already a mother to a beautiful young lady, my daughter Nora. And we would have to basically win the lottery to be able to add some little ones into the mix and still be financially secure. I know I don't want that and neither does my husband. I want to see the world, travel and let loose.

So I'm okay with that for now.

Plus, I see Beautiful things I see in our future:
Germany...
Music festivals,
Bumbershoot...
Longer Vacations,
shoes for me (might be a little materialistic, but I love shoes)
A fantastic sex life
and
happiness.

This isn't a pity post. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just telling it how it is in our situation and how I'm coming to terms with it all. Making it about 'my' choice is important. I will no longer stress about what could have been, I will celebrate in what IS.