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A Change of Course

It's On Random has been a lot of things throughout the years. But most importantly, it's been a home to me and my creations. And that is the concept I have decided to go with. I'm not sure if it's happiness that has kept me from blogging or possibly limited free time, but I have decided to turn this into a creative space and no longer a life blog. This was not an easy choice mind you. I had to think of everything I was giving up, which is all of you who are reading this right now. I have made an entire family here in this little space in the big 'ol bloggerverse, and I don't want to disappoint or leave any of you. I appreciate every single person who takes a little bit of time out of their day to give me a read. I love you all!

But I'm not going anywhere! I will turn this into a touching stone for anything and everything beautiful I put out into this world, especially books that my husband and I will create together.

There will be a lots of changes going on around here. I can't wait to see this site in all it's glory.

I'm excited for this change.

I'm ready for this change.

Goodbye Selfies!

I have had some time to think about blogging and social media. I have had this sort of epiphany, if you will. I no longer want to feed into the concept of needing/wanting/craving everyone else's approval. Mainly I'm talking about selfies and self absorption here people. I want to teach my daughter and every other beautiful person out there that you shouldn't care about how many likes or comments you get on a photo you post. In fact, why go out there fishing for these likes and comments? Why else would you post 4 pictures of yourself a day? Do you really need that sort of acceptance to make you feel special? As I scroll through Facebook or Instagram, I can't help but think people look so pathetic as they post pictures of themselves in their OOTD (outfit of the day) with their duck face and Bambi eyes. Then there's the sexy face, sad face, trying to act like it was a surprise face, the tongue out, the cigarette in, blah, blah, blah.

I myself have been guilty of almost all of this I will admit. But when I asked my daughter why she posted so many selfies, her answer was: "I don't know, it's just what everyone does nowadays". I don't know why, but this made me so sad. I felt embarrassed almost. Then, I read the comments on some of my other family member's posts and pictures. I was disgusted by everyone's snap judgments and socially-retarded reactions. To think of my daughter actually taking to heart the thoughts and mumblings of random people she doesn't even really know... I wanted to set a better example.

I want my daughter to have so much love for herself that she just lives her life instead of living on Facebook behind a camera phone. By all means, celebrate your family, fun times and even accomplishments through pictures and posts. But posting a picture of you standing in front of your bathroom mirror in your nightgown isn't really anything else but you asking for other people to comment on how 'cute' you look. People have become so obsessed with becoming their own kind of  mini celebrity that they have depended on things like facebook and instagram to give them the sense of self love. When in reality, it is causing people to love themselves because of the attention they get from others.

Make yourself feel beautiful!

Stage 0: Scary or near miss?

So.. last week I was diagnosed with  Carcinoma in Situ of the Cervix, Stage 0 cancer. Breaking it down, at first it sounds scary, that word. Cancer. But then you come back to Stage 0, zero shouldn't even be considered a stage, it's a near miss if you ask me. But... then comes that word again. Cancer. Cancer is a scary word, no matter what comes after it. But the good news is, in situ means 'in place' so the cancer cannot spread to other areas of the body. Plus, it's only in one localized area and can be easily removed through surgery. After talking with my doctor, we have decided to use cryosurgery which will guarantee the least amount of removal. I got lucky by finding it soon enough to where it didn't take over my entire cervix. He said in probably a year's time, it could have taken over my whole cervix and I could have to get my cervix removed.

The only way to catch something like this is to make sure you keep up on your yearly check-ups ladies! Please please please! Because there really are no symptoms until it's too late, you need to make sure to check up on your body. I got too busy with life and didn't catch mine while they were precancerous, don't make the same mistake. This is very common is women, especially if you contract HPV sometime in your life. I was lucky enough to be HPV negative, but that also means something else started the cancer. It could be from me being unhealthy, being a young smoker  (I quit last summer) or even being with multiple sexual partners. But the moral of the story is... anyone can get cancer.

With this news a month directly after our infertility problems, I broke down. I was feeling empty and oddly disgusting. I hated myself for one good hour. I cried unconditionally and I pitied myself. I consider myself a strong woman, but I can't have it together 100% of the time. I just wanted to hide under a rock and not come out until I was ready. But then I remembered. I have a daughter to be strong for, a husband to show love to and tons of family and friends to comfort me. I feel like it's been a rocky year, full of more tears than laughs. But I have to stay strong. Today can be whatever I make of it. And I am determined to make myself happy, even if at times I feel I'm physically and mentally falling apart. I am the light.