Sad day.

I'm not looking for sympathy here, just telling you how it went down. So, a couple of days ago...We received word from our Realtor that an inspection needed to be done this week. It doesn't seem like too big a deal, but we just put down some earnest money out of pocket and paid rent on our apartment we already live in. We didn't have the money to cover it. Swimming in payday loans, gifts and stringed along hopes, we realized we couldn't get the money to pay this one little thing that had to be done. The real problem was the fact that our Realtor didn't tell us that this needed to be done until we only had a couple of days left, instead before, during or right after we were signing the paper work.

In a moment, we both felt the same tug of regret and hopelessness when thinking about the impossible inspection. We just couldn't do it. Cian looked at me and asked "well, what do you wanna do?" Rather than be strong for the both of us and our daughter, I simply said, "nothing,we don't have a choice." He sat there for a bit staring blankly as I tried to look away from him and keep my eyes occupied. So he came over to the chair I was sitting in, looked at me and said "I'm sorry" then sat on the floor laying his head on my lap like a defeated puppy. Now I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a crier. If things upset me, I cry, it's as simple as that. But I didn't start crying, I just sat there stroking his hair spacing off about our no longer future house.

It wasn't until I had to bring my self to text my mother and tell her everything fell through. I tried to be nonchalant about it at first, but of course she saw through that. But as I was typing failure in a text to mom, a whole flood of tears started pouring out of my eyes. Cian started looking for other rentals on the internet as I snuck upstairs to our bedroom. I sat down on the bed, got myself a little numb and then pulled my hood over my head and lay face down on my pillow. I stayed in that position for a while, even through the knocks on the door by my daughter and passing by in the hallway. I just laid there listening to Cian tell our daughter that it wasn't going to happen through the vent.

 I texted back and forth to my mother a couple times more and returned back to position one to continue my crying. I would have stayed there all night and fell asleep like that, that's how I liked it, to be able to cry. But since Cian hated to see me upset, he came upstairs and tried to console me and get me to smile. This in turn just pissed me off, I yelled at him to "just let me be upset!" and to stop making me feel bad for crying. But he won in the end. I got tired of him trying to console me, it annoyed me. So I wiped away my tears, took a smoke break and went back down stairs to be mad instead. I threw things like an child while making myself a snack, I bitched about the house being all packed up and that I wasn't going to unpack anything and I sat down and watched some TV, numb. Cian went and got me a drink, which made me a little happier and sat there with me until I was ready to go to bed.

It was around one when we decided to head upstairs, even though Cian had to work in 5 hours. We laid down to bed and Astrid came and tried to console us. She ended up sleeping between us under the covers, something she hasn't done since she was a kitten. I woke up this morning, lost. I'm still upset of the what could have been and the thought that all of our plans for the next couple of years have changed. No more talk of babies in the near future, no marriage, so many things are put back on the back burner just with this one misstep. So I'm going to take some time off from the world and friends due to my defeat. I have no idea where to go from here, I might look for a job, even though I don't want to. I still have some posts lined up already so you guys won't get bored. Enjoy