On many a days, I can write about the funny things I see or what amazing things are going on in my world, but the truth in the matter is this... I am still a human being and I still have bad days. So I would be lying to you all if I said that everything is going great. It's not. The good news is, it doesn't concern a break-up or heartbreak. I am still deeply in love with my honey and can't wait for the day I can call him my husband.
But I am ashamed... I questioned this great love that I have held so dear to my heart. I questioned our compatibility just because someone else did. I'm not going to lie, I'm a fragile person (probably not the best type of person to write a blog eh?) and I get upset just like the rest of you. If someone is mean-spirited towards me, yes I cry. So when someone near and dear to me questioned my soon to be marriage, I snapped. My mind wandered where it wasn't supposed to, it questioned something that would in any circumstance be ridiculous to question. My relationship.
Why? Maybe it was because I was offended of the idea or maybe it because I was vulnerable. But now, clear headed, I feel absolutely ridiculous that I would even let anyone make me question how I feel about the one person I adore most in this fucked up world. I'm well aware of the stress that comes with upcoming nuptials, it sucks and there's no way getting around it. I mean, this is supposed to be one of the biggest decisions you make in life! But what doesn't help the stress is the people around you that feed off the stress. It's a horrible stack of stressful dominoes that just keeps adding and falling, knocking the following one down.
Where was this stress before all of this? I truthfully don't know. It wasn't here, I can tell you that. My family has always been kind of like a huge wrecking ball in times like this. If one thing gets knocked down, it swings back for more. The more being hurtful words, more uncovered(unnecessary) feelings and tears. Now I am no saint in this, when I get vulnerable, you better bet that the shit is going to hit the fan and all are coming down with me. I am not one to hold back when I'm being attacked. This in lies the problem. We all feed the fire until it burns, burns everything and anyone close by, leaving us all scarred and a little bit worse for ware.
There are no words to describe how much it hurts to have a family member tell you that they question your marriage before it even happens. Almost as much as them telling you that you aren't leading the best life, that your life isn't something to brag about, that I've been living in some fantasy land. This is not what I dream about, I'm sorry. And here I was so happy that I was supposed to be getting married and starting my life with someone I truly love. If that's a fantasy life, being overjoyed to no extent that you get to do the one thing in life that all girls dream about, then yes, call me a fucking fantasy living fool.
Isn't that what this supposed to be about? Aren't I supposed to live in the positive right now, thinking about my future and what I want. Since when did it become such a bad thing to have dreams and be optimistic for once? Every time I try and keep a positive outlet, I feel like everyone is trying to knock me back down. Why would you want to knock me down? Are you that unhappy with your life that you can't even just smile for me this once.
There are people around me who are ruining this time for me, indirectly or not. Some of them don't even know they're doing it, some are going out of their way. The only person who makes me want to live is the person I want to marry. And NO ONE should be able to make me question my love for this person, shame on you! Shame on you for making me feel sorry for wanting to be happy planning my wedding.
Me and Cian will be celebrating our 4th year together and you have the nerve to say I'm moving too fast! Who are you talking to?????????
I know that families fight. Some families fight more than other; that would be mine. But in the end we always hug and kiss up and love each other no matter what is said. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and some of my family is extremely close and the others keep their distance. But when is it the time to distance yourself? Will it make it better or with it only cause more problems? I have realized throughout the years that the closer you are to some people, the more you can hurt them. There's either too much trust, knowledge or maybe even too much regular bullshit. But I seem to mostly fight with the family I am closest to.
I'm getting off subject here. My main problem and wedding woe is actually my family. I don't feel the love and support I think I should be feeling. And why? Cian and I have had 4 years together, we are good people, we love eachother and people have been asking us for years now when we're going to tie the knot. Why don't I get the same luxury my sister had when she married? Not everyone(or anyone) approved of her marriage and she got married after knowing the guy for just a couple months. Is it because I'm too close? Readers, Let me give you a tip next time a family member is getting married. Smile. Just smile and try and think about how happy they must be. I don't care if you had a bad day at work, don't bring that on them. Smile and shut the fuck up. Let them enjoy their euphoria, please. Didn't you? Or wouldn't you want to?
I feel tired and lonely, but I've had plenty of sleep and I have tons of people all around me. The only thing that gets me through thoughts and days like this is this... Cian will come home, hold me in his arms and tell me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me (even when I look like a puffy eyed crazy lady). He will make me feel loved and cared for and he will make it his top priority to listen to whatever it is that has weighed me down so much. That is how I know that I love this person, because he would do anything just to see me smile. This is how I know that you making me think, for even a second, that I should question what I'm doing with my life and how much I really love this person is the most absurd thing you have ever done. And sadly, I will always remember this day, when you made me question me being me and how that made me feel.